Maybe It’s Me.
This last week has been a tough one. No particular reason no particular trigger. In the past I’ve always had a excuse or what I thought was the caused these feelings. My nauseousness, the lump in my throat, the waking at 3 am mind racing. The conversations with people that I wasn’t really tuned into, my mind adrift with a spiderweb of thoughts. The unnecessary tears, wanting to be comforted by others but lashing out when others do reach out. It’s the side of me I hate. It’s cyclical. I can tell when I get anxious and depressed and then teeter into more anxiety and depression because I feel helpless against it. It was always a job, or where we lived, or situation A, B, and C. It was always the situation, never me. 2019 brought me to my knees, to a place I never want to be again. The death of a grandparent, the feeling of failure from leaving two different jobs that were never right for me, a mentally abusive boss, and the loss of three babies all wrapped up into 12 life sucking months. But for that year I will forever be thankful because that is the year I got help. I got the dreaded medicine that helped me rebuild my life. The dreaded medicine that helped me get out of bed, and breathe, and exercise, and laugh, and get a job I love, and stop the mind racing thoughts. The dreaded medicine that helped me get to a place that made last year the best year of my life. It brought me to a place where I wasn’t having anymore “situations” that were causing my depression and anxiety. So I stopped taking the medications because it wasn’t me that needed them, it was my situations. Until this last week, there wasn’t a situation but hints of my anxiety and depression came back. It scared me. Spring is here, the sun is shining, there is light at the end of the Covid tunnel, I’m doing what I love. I shouldn’t be sad. Maybe it’s not the situation, maybe its me? Maybe it’s time to admit to myself have depression and anxiety, not situational or seasonal. Just regular old run of the mill depression and anxiety. And looking back I’m pretty sure I always have. And its controllable. And the medicine helps. And when its controlled I am happy and I can do incredible things.
*I am not writing this to sway anyone a certain way about medication and depression and anxiety. I am simply writing to be open, to be vulnerable and to share with others the messiness of being human because I believe the world needs more of that.
Justin Bieber’s latest album Justice is a good one. “Lonely,’ the song shown above is a beautiful look into feelings and thoughts that so few are able to open up about. His voice is almost haunting in the way it holds so much raw, aching feelings. Justin said of the song, “To be honest the song is hard for me to listen to considering how tough it was to get through some of these chapters. I believe it is powerful to express vulnerability and that’s why I believe this song is so powerful.” I am always drawn to people being vulnerable and I think that is why I am so drawn to this song.
“Everybody knows my past now
Like my house was always made of glass
And maybe that's the price you pay
For the money and fame at an early age
And everybody saw me sick
And it felt like no one gave a shit
They criticized the things I did as an idiot kid”
Despite an emotional weekend, there was plenty of good! The Easter Bunny brought me a bunch of clothes from The Lavish Loon in Vergas and they are my new staples! We started flower field prep and admired the view. True and I survived our first week of Dion’s Dangerzone Bootcamp, and I started sneaking plants out to the greenhouse before Payton even got the finishing touches on!
