Golden.
My to-do list today is full of seeds to be sown - something that I find so much joy in. I turn on a podcast, let my hands plant and my mind drift.
Airchair Expert with Dax Shepard has been my favorite podcast for the last three years. There are 296 2 hour episodes and I have listened to every one. Some even twice. Its a cult and I have sold my soul. Today was no different. My mind drifted along with Dax's interviewee, the director of the movie "Falling" and a caregiver to loved ones under dementia's heavy hand.
Viggo Mortensen has a way of portraying dementia in a way that is simply beautiful and comforting, but also as a caregiver hard to swallow. I had tears in my eyes as I listened to him say, "If you are open to it ... give up trying to make [those with dementia] be something - which we all need to do anyway in life. Just let people be who they are. Try to figure them out before you start thinking how they should be...[when I did this] I started to learn all kinds of things I never would have learned [if I hadn't]."
Take a second to think "Who are you doing this for?...If you really want to be helpful to [someone who has dementia] you have to give up, you have to sacrifice what you wish they were -because they are not going to be that way anymore - and make them happy." In doing this I think you might find happiness yourself.
I find so much truth in this. When I'm not planting flowers, I am a CNA at a nursing home. From the time I was two until I was twenty-one I watched my mother help care for my grandmother and then cared for my grandpa for years after that. Is beautiful, and heart breaking, and glorious, and every emotion under the sun. I cry as I write this because it is a gift to see people at their most vulnerable, but simultaneously their strongest. Holding someone's hand in their last days can give you perspective that little else can. Caregivers, family, friends, and loved ones I see you. You are strong, you are selfless, and little things you do matter.
And those going through dementia I also see you. You and your life are still beautiful. Life doesn't end in what some call the "glory years." Life is everyday. It is every interaction. It is every conversation and every emotion. Dementia or any other terminal disease is not the process of passing, it is still the process of living. Please keep telling the stories and please keep sharing the emotions. I admire your grace and I admire all the things you still contribute to this world. Loved ones please keep listening, keep valuing the days for what they are because I promise they are still beautiful, they are still golden.
This is a blog post I wrote March 1st of last year. It is still one of my favorite reflections. I now find myself integrating these principles into my parenting style. When “loved one with dementia” is substituted with “children” Viggo’s words once again bring clarity to me.
"If you are open to it ... give up trying to make [your children] be something - which we all need to do anyway in life. Just let people be who they are. Try to figure them out before you start thinking how they should be...[when I did this] I started to learn all kinds of things I never would have learned [if I hadn't]."
"Who are you doing this for?...If you really want to be helpful to [your children] you have to give up, you have to sacrifice what you wish they were -because they are not going to be that way anymore - and make them happy." In doing this I think you might find happiness yourself.
If you have a few minutes I highly recommend listening to Episode 296 Viggo Mortensen on Armchair Expert. Minute 27 is where his perspectives around dementia begin. It is posted in my original post below.
